1) The artist formerly known as Sarah is now named Tyler.
2) Tyler got queerbashed on 9/27. They were in Union Square with two of our friends and this asshole pushed Tyler and they fell and broke the nerve in their tooth, needing a root canal, which our awesome dentist did for free. Today Tyler found out that they might have fractured ribs, which sucks on several levels.
3) I'm in the middle of some kind of falling-out with one of my best friends. But if she's so stubborn that she can't even handle me calling her out on her fucked-upness then maybe she's just not a good friend.
And now for the ranting because that's what I do best. Let's talk about anger for a minute. I've been feeling pretty angry lately, for various reasons. I'm angry because my stupid co-worker is too chickenshit to just say the word "he" when referring to me. Ricky this, Ricky that she sounds like a fucking alien. I'm angry because Tyler's ribs are fractured and not gonna heal for months, just because some asshole hates gay people. I'm angry because a cis male friend of mine went to the trans partners group and Tyler came home and told me he made everyone there uncomfortable. And then I told another friend and she said that I'm policing. I'm not fucking policing, I'm defending my partner and if other people are too chickenshit to take that kind of thing into their own hands then they shouldn't take it out on me and accuse me of policing. I'm angry because Tyler's brother is being ignorant and giving them shit for changing their name.
Oh wait. Fuck. Shit. I forgot! I can't believe I forgot! People who are perceived female are not allowed to feel anger! I am putting too much "negative energy" into the cosmos. Perhaps I should go meditate and chant something in Sanskrit.
I realized something today that I don't think gets talked about too often, and I'm not sure if other guys have this same problem so I'm gonna put it out there. I think that my anger does not get taken as seriously as a cisgender man's anger, even by people in the queer community. Whenever I say something that expresses anger, many of my female-identified friends criticize me for policing, or emitting evil rays of "negative energy," or shut me down one way or another. The men in my life don't treat it the same way - if I express to a male-identified relative or friend that let's say, I feel like fighting someone, or something like that, even though they would discourage me from doing so, they would at least sound like they understand where I'm coming from. I can just tell from the things they say and the ways they say them that unlike my female-identified friends, they don't think I'm ridiculous. I think that this is because the men in my life can identify better with how I feel. (I'm being general about the genders - there are some angry women and obnoxiously pacifist men)
Again, this is a gross generalization, but I think that people who were socialized male have had their angry feelings and behaviors checked, talked about, and most importantly, "accepted" as part of them being boys. Boys even get to fight in a structured way, to get it out of their system. But when a girl exhibits the same angry behavior, it's not understood in the context of her gender but rather as an isolated incident, and is dealt with differently. Girls also don't have the comfort of knowing that that's a pretty common way for people of their gender to behave. They feel ashamed about it, and boys don't. Ideally, a healthy man grows out of it, and has control over his angry feelings and doesn't go around saying "I'm gonna hit that guy" every time someone pisses them off. (ideally being the key word here)
I have pretty serious levels of anger and urges to fight people, but I did not get to deal with those issues the way cisgender men did. And that's why I can sometimes sound like a teenage boy. I'm not saying that I can't be checked; I'm just saying that there's a good reason why I'm like this and that I'm not crazy. And that's my big revelation of the day. Good night.
