oh women's spaces

I am still thinking about the comment someone left for me about my question about belonging in women's spaces. This person seems to have made a lot of assumptions about my experience and the way I identify. He basically said that my belonging at women's spaces has nothing to do with passing, but rather the way I identify. Now let's think about this for a minute. Was I not the same person two years ago as I am now? Do I not present more or less the same way? Did I not have the same feelings about my own gender two years ago? Then why is it that because I started openly identifying as a trans man, I don't belong in the same places I used to? 

The trans community sees categorizing people based on whether or not they pass as a taboo. I agree with not being preoccupied with passing, and not treating people differently based on how well they pass. However, I do not think that any taboos are productive. Of course for trans *women* it it makes sense not to categorize because they ALL experience discrimination based on their femininity and way more gender-policing than any of us. But in this case, it is important to realize that a non-passing trans guy can identify as male all he wants, but he will still have trouble getting taken seriously in male-dominated spaces, and basically still experience life as a person who is perceived to be a woman. 

So what good is limiting people's access who need those spaces? If such a man decides not to transition medically then he's screwed. Yeah there are groups that are inclusive of trans men, but you're still limiting a person's access based on the way he feels about his gender, and not on the fact that he experiences oppression as someone who is perceived as a woman. You'd also be ignoring the whole spectrum and complexity of female-bodied masculine identities! So how could anyone say it has nothing to do with passing? (I'm not saying this to point out passing trans men's privilege or anything like that; that is NOT the point of this, it's just that right now I'm specifically talking about trans men who do not pass.)

That being said, I feel very conflicted about these things right now. By saying things like the above, I am "making it about men," and I feel very guilty about doing that. But I'm making it about female-bodied men who are perceived to be women! So what do I do with this??

I don't think I will lose my community. Most of the groups I am part of are inclusive of trans men and I think it's gonna be fine. But the other thing I'm conflicted about, other than the "making it about men" thing, is that girls' education is a huge part of my life that I might have to give up. I do not know how to simultaneously say that girls' only spaces are important to me, and say that I identify as a man. 

I don't ever want to not belong at Rock Camp. I'm not the only trans guy there, but that contradiction is more of the issue to me than how inclusive a place is. It's gonna be the same thing at my job until I quit. Sure, some of the girls might grow up to be trans men, and my presence there means they are being represented, but I still can't make sense of that contradiction. And it's VERY hard to imagine having grown up a girl and then not belonging at Rock Camp.

Sometimes I feel like I am oppressive just by being trans. I had an interview today, and I never mentioned that my current job is at a girls-only program. My resume doesn't specify that either. The people I work with are very proud of being a girls' program, and it felt awful to have to hide that and contribute to their lack of visibility. (fyi I do not do this to Rock Camp) What I'm thinking is that I'd let them know what my deal is before they call my boss, but I would just rather not discuss my gender identity at an interview. 

Also, I was running to cross the street at a red light (in a hurry to see Amy Ray at camp) and a policewoman was doing the better watch where you're going thing and I told her she better watch the way she talks to people like she's their mother. She says "what did you say little man?" and I said "I think you heard me" and walked off as she was screaming things that I couldn't hear. It felt very empowering to tell off a cop who was getting in my business, and I'd do it again. However, I didn't realize until she said "little man" that I was experiencing passing privilege. She must have thought I was some asshole boy disrespecting her because she was a female cop. I stood up for myself but contributed to oppression in the process. What do you do with that?

Am I trans enough for you?

There seems to be an unwritten law that says it's okay for someone who looks like a Joe to say "Please don't call me Joanne," but if a person does not "pass," then it's "I know you're a tomboy, but that's a fine name you have!" And nevermind passing, who says a person even has to identify as trans in order for their feelings of discomfort with their names to be valid? 

Before I started openly identifying as transgender, people used to ask me what my name is short for, and I used to reluctantly tell them. They would be like "oooh that's so pretty" and it used to fuckin piss me off. Now it feels more "acceptable" to say that no, people don't get to know my birth name, but I feel like if I didn't look masculine, people would not think I had a legitimate reason not to share that.

I actually had an incident where a cis man insisted on putting my given name in his cell phone. I told him I had a serious problem with it. He suggested that I watch The Namesake, because apparently sounding cultured and citing movies somehow makes cis men less oppressive. We talked the next day and it came up, and I told him that I had friends who were transitioning, and even though I knew them by a certain name, I had to change that out of respect for them. He asked if I had a problem with my "real" name because I was changing my gender. I said no because at the time I was still identifying as female, but that was SUCH a problematic question. I was having thoughts about transitioning that were no one's business, and what does that have to do with respecting someone's chosen name anyway? 

I had a more recent incident where the rec center wouldn't make me an ID card with my chosen name, I had to have the name on my ID. They asked why, and I said that it was a safety concern, and that I had valid and personal reasons. The woman who was working there said "Well it's a job concern, and I have perfectly valid reasons for saying no". Why do I have to either put myself out there and say that I'm trans, or have my rights denied? I have no doubt that if I had a common female first name and a full beard, there'd be no question about it and the rec center would be considered flat-out discriminatory because it's a lot easier to prove that an ID like that would be a safety concern. I asked for a grievance form, they said to call 311, 311 transferred me to the Commission for Human Rights, and the ignorant cis man at the other end had the FUCKING NERVE to ask me if I had surgeries. 

So that's names, let's talk about pronouns. I work with children. So far, I have gathered up the courage to tell two of my students' parents, who both come from cultures that are not very gender-friendly, that I would like them to start referring to me with male pronouns. One of them awkwardly apologized and left the room; I haven't had a lesson with that kid since then, so the followup is yet to come. The other student's parent is still referring to me as "she". 

My trans male friends say to just be firm and correct them, but they pass better and aren't teachers. Unfortunately, we still live in a society where gender variance is seen as a sexual fetish. I have to first of all not correct the parents in front of the child, and when I do find time to talk to them privately, I am making myself very vulnerable. Of course, if I told them I was starting hormones, as long as they didn't think I was sick and crazy, it would all make sense to them. Because apparently, intention to transition is what makes a person a "real" woman or man, and only a person who conforms to society's idea of what a woman or man should look like has the right to decide what other people can call them.

almost a teaching moment

My co-worker who said she wasn't comfortable using male pronouns to refer to me, just preemptively apologized to me for messing up my pronouns. She will now only refer to me by name.

Other than that. Two weeks ago there was a trip to a poetry open mic. One of the performers was a trans guy. This was the same day I came out to the aforementioned co-worker. I missed this next part, but apparently the woman who performed after him said "I don't know what gender you are but you're cute". Fast forward to today. One of my students told me that I looked like "that lady at the poetry". After a few questions, who she was comparing me to was that trans guy poet (a flattering comparison indeed). Then she and another student were talking about what gender he is. I am pretty sure he's a trans guy, but that's just my educated assumption (he had a binder on, his name is Ian, he was in a man's suit, etc.) My asshole co-worker and my awesome co-worker were both there, it felt like the pressure was on, and now I gotta figure out what to say to that kid. I said something like "I'm not gonna make any assumptions, it's best to ask that person what they consider themselves...." I'm not even sure those were the exact words, and I'm not even sure I got the point across about considering oneself/identifying as one gender or another. My mind was more set on validating his boy-ness than teaching those two girls that there is such a concept as gender identity. I did use the pronouns "they/them" though. Wow that was really on the spot. I hope they learned something, cuz it wasn't my best.

And this is the awesomest video ever: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lA39nPBoY54