oh women's spaces

I am still thinking about the comment someone left for me about my question about belonging in women's spaces. This person seems to have made a lot of assumptions about my experience and the way I identify. He basically said that my belonging at women's spaces has nothing to do with passing, but rather the way I identify. Now let's think about this for a minute. Was I not the same person two years ago as I am now? Do I not present more or less the same way? Did I not have the same feelings about my own gender two years ago? Then why is it that because I started openly identifying as a trans man, I don't belong in the same places I used to? 

The trans community sees categorizing people based on whether or not they pass as a taboo. I agree with not being preoccupied with passing, and not treating people differently based on how well they pass. However, I do not think that any taboos are productive. Of course for trans *women* it it makes sense not to categorize because they ALL experience discrimination based on their femininity and way more gender-policing than any of us. But in this case, it is important to realize that a non-passing trans guy can identify as male all he wants, but he will still have trouble getting taken seriously in male-dominated spaces, and basically still experience life as a person who is perceived to be a woman. 

So what good is limiting people's access who need those spaces? If such a man decides not to transition medically then he's screwed. Yeah there are groups that are inclusive of trans men, but you're still limiting a person's access based on the way he feels about his gender, and not on the fact that he experiences oppression as someone who is perceived as a woman. You'd also be ignoring the whole spectrum and complexity of female-bodied masculine identities! So how could anyone say it has nothing to do with passing? (I'm not saying this to point out passing trans men's privilege or anything like that; that is NOT the point of this, it's just that right now I'm specifically talking about trans men who do not pass.)

That being said, I feel very conflicted about these things right now. By saying things like the above, I am "making it about men," and I feel very guilty about doing that. But I'm making it about female-bodied men who are perceived to be women! So what do I do with this??

I don't think I will lose my community. Most of the groups I am part of are inclusive of trans men and I think it's gonna be fine. But the other thing I'm conflicted about, other than the "making it about men" thing, is that girls' education is a huge part of my life that I might have to give up. I do not know how to simultaneously say that girls' only spaces are important to me, and say that I identify as a man. 

I don't ever want to not belong at Rock Camp. I'm not the only trans guy there, but that contradiction is more of the issue to me than how inclusive a place is. It's gonna be the same thing at my job until I quit. Sure, some of the girls might grow up to be trans men, and my presence there means they are being represented, but I still can't make sense of that contradiction. And it's VERY hard to imagine having grown up a girl and then not belonging at Rock Camp.

Sometimes I feel like I am oppressive just by being trans. I had an interview today, and I never mentioned that my current job is at a girls-only program. My resume doesn't specify that either. The people I work with are very proud of being a girls' program, and it felt awful to have to hide that and contribute to their lack of visibility. (fyi I do not do this to Rock Camp) What I'm thinking is that I'd let them know what my deal is before they call my boss, but I would just rather not discuss my gender identity at an interview. 

Also, I was running to cross the street at a red light (in a hurry to see Amy Ray at camp) and a policewoman was doing the better watch where you're going thing and I told her she better watch the way she talks to people like she's their mother. She says "what did you say little man?" and I said "I think you heard me" and walked off as she was screaming things that I couldn't hear. It felt very empowering to tell off a cop who was getting in my business, and I'd do it again. However, I didn't realize until she said "little man" that I was experiencing passing privilege. She must have thought I was some asshole boy disrespecting her because she was a female cop. I stood up for myself but contributed to oppression in the process. What do you do with that?

the tranny job hunt, and fuck your criticism

bsd

Welcome to my blog. This is my first blog entry. 

I plan on quitting my job. This is the worst possible time for me to quit my once-a-week teaching gig because Sarah is unemployed, we're in a war economy, trans people are the most underemployed ever, and I can't even make enough to pay rent. But I work at a girls' program. And of course, trans men do not belong in women's spaces. My boss was nice about it but my co-worker initially refused to call me by male pronouns. They're still asking that I go by name-only and not talk about it until the Fall semester starts.

The amount of pressure going on here is just not appropriate. The shrink says I need to be living full-time as a man, which includes coming out at work. Apparently separate spaces are discriminatory, or at least the people at the health center seem to think so. I posted something online about FTM artists and women's spaces. I basically said "I just came out as trans. Most of my professional, artistic, and networking resources are somehow related to women-only spaces. Thoughts, please." The person who responded was respectful, but I got a bit of a critical vibe from his response. I told somebody that I just came out at work. (tone: venting) This person asked if I think I belong in that space identifying the way I do.

I like having other trans people to talk to, but sometimes I feel like people impose their own self-judgements on me. It doesn't seem to occur to anyone that maybe I am still processing this issue and don't need a reminder. Or that maybe not everyone is privileged enough to have a flourishing trans community and well-paying job. I might not have a choice of what job to take. Someone in Poedunk, Alabama might not sit around in their smoking jacket and talk about which community they're part of - they probably don't have much of a choice.

Now how the fuck do I get through a job interview without my trans identity coming up? What's the most difficult part of my job? Having to represent all people who look like me. And let's not forget that my current position and one more on my resume are at girls' programs, and I am telling them that I'm a guy and use male pronouns. And let's not forget my name change. The interview is on Thursday, wish me luck.