anger

A lot has gone on since my last post so here it is in summary:

1) The artist formerly known as Sarah is now named Tyler.

2) Tyler got queerbashed on 9/27. They were in Union Square with two of our friends and this asshole pushed Tyler and they fell and broke the nerve in their tooth, needing a root canal, which our awesome dentist did for free. Today Tyler found out that they might have fractured ribs, which sucks on several levels.

3) I'm in the middle of some kind of falling-out with one of my best friends. But if she's so stubborn that she can't even handle me calling her out on her fucked-upness then maybe she's just not a good friend.

And now for the ranting because that's what I do best. Let's talk about anger for a minute. I've been feeling pretty angry lately, for various reasons. I'm angry because my stupid co-worker is too chickenshit to just say the word "he" when referring to me. Ricky this, Ricky that she sounds like a fucking alien. I'm angry because Tyler's ribs are fractured and not gonna heal for months, just because some asshole hates gay people. I'm angry because a cis male friend of mine went to the trans partners group and Tyler came home and told me he made everyone there uncomfortable. And then I told another friend and she said that I'm policing. I'm not fucking policing, I'm defending my partner and if other people are too chickenshit to take that kind of thing into their own hands then they shouldn't take it out on me and accuse me of policing. I'm angry because Tyler's brother is being ignorant and giving them shit for changing their name.

Oh wait. Fuck. Shit. I forgot! I can't believe I forgot! People who are perceived female are not allowed to feel anger! I am putting too much "negative energy" into the cosmos. Perhaps I should go meditate and chant something in Sanskrit. 

I realized something today that I don't think gets talked about too often, and I'm not sure if other guys have this same problem so I'm gonna put it out there. I think that my anger does not get taken as seriously as a cisgender man's anger, even by people in the queer community. Whenever I say something that expresses anger, many of my female-identified friends criticize me for policing, or emitting evil rays of "negative energy," or shut me down one way or another. The men in my life don't treat it the same way - if I express to a male-identified relative or friend that let's say, I feel like fighting someone, or something like that, even though they would discourage me from doing so, they would at least sound like they understand where I'm coming from. I can just tell from the things they say and the ways they say them that unlike my female-identified friends, they don't think I'm ridiculous. I think that this is because the men in my life can identify better with how I feel. (I'm being general about the genders - there are some angry women and obnoxiously pacifist men)

Again, this is a gross generalization, but I think that people who were socialized male have had their angry feelings and behaviors checked, talked about, and most importantly, "accepted" as part of them being boys. Boys even get to fight in a structured way, to get it out of their system. But when a girl exhibits the same angry behavior, it's not understood in the context of her gender but rather as an isolated incident, and is dealt with differently. Girls also don't have the comfort of knowing that that's a pretty common way for people of their gender to behave. They feel ashamed about it, and boys don't. Ideally, a healthy man grows out of it, and has control over his angry feelings and doesn't go around saying "I'm gonna hit that guy" every time someone pisses them off. (ideally being the key word here)

I have pretty serious levels of anger and urges to fight people, but I did not get to deal with those issues the way cisgender men did. And that's why I can sometimes sound like a teenage boy. I'm not saying that I can't be checked; I'm just saying that there's a good reason why I'm like this and that I'm not crazy. And that's my big revelation of the day. Good night.

Am I trans enough for you?

There seems to be an unwritten law that says it's okay for someone who looks like a Joe to say "Please don't call me Joanne," but if a person does not "pass," then it's "I know you're a tomboy, but that's a fine name you have!" And nevermind passing, who says a person even has to identify as trans in order for their feelings of discomfort with their names to be valid? 

Before I started openly identifying as transgender, people used to ask me what my name is short for, and I used to reluctantly tell them. They would be like "oooh that's so pretty" and it used to fuckin piss me off. Now it feels more "acceptable" to say that no, people don't get to know my birth name, but I feel like if I didn't look masculine, people would not think I had a legitimate reason not to share that.

I actually had an incident where a cis man insisted on putting my given name in his cell phone. I told him I had a serious problem with it. He suggested that I watch The Namesake, because apparently sounding cultured and citing movies somehow makes cis men less oppressive. We talked the next day and it came up, and I told him that I had friends who were transitioning, and even though I knew them by a certain name, I had to change that out of respect for them. He asked if I had a problem with my "real" name because I was changing my gender. I said no because at the time I was still identifying as female, but that was SUCH a problematic question. I was having thoughts about transitioning that were no one's business, and what does that have to do with respecting someone's chosen name anyway? 

I had a more recent incident where the rec center wouldn't make me an ID card with my chosen name, I had to have the name on my ID. They asked why, and I said that it was a safety concern, and that I had valid and personal reasons. The woman who was working there said "Well it's a job concern, and I have perfectly valid reasons for saying no". Why do I have to either put myself out there and say that I'm trans, or have my rights denied? I have no doubt that if I had a common female first name and a full beard, there'd be no question about it and the rec center would be considered flat-out discriminatory because it's a lot easier to prove that an ID like that would be a safety concern. I asked for a grievance form, they said to call 311, 311 transferred me to the Commission for Human Rights, and the ignorant cis man at the other end had the FUCKING NERVE to ask me if I had surgeries. 

So that's names, let's talk about pronouns. I work with children. So far, I have gathered up the courage to tell two of my students' parents, who both come from cultures that are not very gender-friendly, that I would like them to start referring to me with male pronouns. One of them awkwardly apologized and left the room; I haven't had a lesson with that kid since then, so the followup is yet to come. The other student's parent is still referring to me as "she". 

My trans male friends say to just be firm and correct them, but they pass better and aren't teachers. Unfortunately, we still live in a society where gender variance is seen as a sexual fetish. I have to first of all not correct the parents in front of the child, and when I do find time to talk to them privately, I am making myself very vulnerable. Of course, if I told them I was starting hormones, as long as they didn't think I was sick and crazy, it would all make sense to them. Because apparently, intention to transition is what makes a person a "real" woman or man, and only a person who conforms to society's idea of what a woman or man should look like has the right to decide what other people can call them.

the tranny job hunt, and fuck your criticism

bsd

Welcome to my blog. This is my first blog entry. 

I plan on quitting my job. This is the worst possible time for me to quit my once-a-week teaching gig because Sarah is unemployed, we're in a war economy, trans people are the most underemployed ever, and I can't even make enough to pay rent. But I work at a girls' program. And of course, trans men do not belong in women's spaces. My boss was nice about it but my co-worker initially refused to call me by male pronouns. They're still asking that I go by name-only and not talk about it until the Fall semester starts.

The amount of pressure going on here is just not appropriate. The shrink says I need to be living full-time as a man, which includes coming out at work. Apparently separate spaces are discriminatory, or at least the people at the health center seem to think so. I posted something online about FTM artists and women's spaces. I basically said "I just came out as trans. Most of my professional, artistic, and networking resources are somehow related to women-only spaces. Thoughts, please." The person who responded was respectful, but I got a bit of a critical vibe from his response. I told somebody that I just came out at work. (tone: venting) This person asked if I think I belong in that space identifying the way I do.

I like having other trans people to talk to, but sometimes I feel like people impose their own self-judgements on me. It doesn't seem to occur to anyone that maybe I am still processing this issue and don't need a reminder. Or that maybe not everyone is privileged enough to have a flourishing trans community and well-paying job. I might not have a choice of what job to take. Someone in Poedunk, Alabama might not sit around in their smoking jacket and talk about which community they're part of - they probably don't have much of a choice.

Now how the fuck do I get through a job interview without my trans identity coming up? What's the most difficult part of my job? Having to represent all people who look like me. And let's not forget that my current position and one more on my resume are at girls' programs, and I am telling them that I'm a guy and use male pronouns. And let's not forget my name change. The interview is on Thursday, wish me luck.