stealth - serious moral and ethical ambiguity

I was at a trans men's forum today and it was really weird and not what I'm used to from Group at all. A lot of what I heard today was guys saying that they don't identify as trans, don't identify as part of the queer community, won't go to the parties, etc. 

I'm not one to pick at the way people live their lives because I hate when people do that shit to me. I understand that there are reasons for a person to be stealth, and that they might just not identify as part of the queer community and that's fine. It's safety issues, it's emotional reasons, various aspects of people's experience, etc. And the fact that once you're "done" transitioning you won't bring it up unless someone else does. 

We as white middle class queer people consider our community to be primarily queer people. Some of us (no assumptions) left our neighborhoods and families a long time ago. We've had the privilege to move out of our old communities, and the resources to find our new ones. Our gender expectations are generally less strict than those in working class people of color communities. We have more options. We have subcultures. Queer studies departments. Radical bookstores. The list goes on. So a lot of that is a cultural difference.

But what I really can't wrap my head around is how detached they are from the rest of the trans community and how unaware they are of what goes on with us. I heard some of "I don't understand all these new identities and what all these words mean and don't care to." Not understand is fine but not care is just fucking ignorant and offensive. Of course I would never give criticism at a support group-like setting so I didn't say anything. (I was also largely outnumbered.) But these guys need other people to understand who they are, especially during their transition so what the fuck are they doing saying I don't care about what these words mean? It's so hypocritical and unappreciative of everything the queer community is doing for them. If everybody had that attitude they wouldn't even be sitting in that room.

In my opinion, the thing we trans people need the most is visibility. I feel like my biggest problem being trans is that most people don't know that people like me exist, and therefore don't know how to deal with me and how to respect me. People don't understand who I am. So I choose trans-friendly living and working spaces. Not everyone can choose where to live and work but hanging out in a group of people who don't understand who you are sounds awfully stifling to me.

I did not like the way these guys looked at me and Tyler when we were holding hands. That did not make me feel comfortable. That did not make me feel like we were in a safe space. I also didn't like how many assumptions they made and how little room for diversity they had in their trans community. Excuse me for not behaving like a heterosexist douchebag?

This just makes perfect sense: You grow up a black lesbian. You transition. You become a stereotypical man who can't even interact with a pre-T transman like he's a fellow man, and can't handle two trans guys together. Totally fucking logical isn't it? I got absolutely nothing out of that forum other than it being an interesting anthropological experience. I've been in straight spaces where I felt less emasculated. 

anger

A lot has gone on since my last post so here it is in summary:

1) The artist formerly known as Sarah is now named Tyler.

2) Tyler got queerbashed on 9/27. They were in Union Square with two of our friends and this asshole pushed Tyler and they fell and broke the nerve in their tooth, needing a root canal, which our awesome dentist did for free. Today Tyler found out that they might have fractured ribs, which sucks on several levels.

3) I'm in the middle of some kind of falling-out with one of my best friends. But if she's so stubborn that she can't even handle me calling her out on her fucked-upness then maybe she's just not a good friend.

And now for the ranting because that's what I do best. Let's talk about anger for a minute. I've been feeling pretty angry lately, for various reasons. I'm angry because my stupid co-worker is too chickenshit to just say the word "he" when referring to me. Ricky this, Ricky that she sounds like a fucking alien. I'm angry because Tyler's ribs are fractured and not gonna heal for months, just because some asshole hates gay people. I'm angry because a cis male friend of mine went to the trans partners group and Tyler came home and told me he made everyone there uncomfortable. And then I told another friend and she said that I'm policing. I'm not fucking policing, I'm defending my partner and if other people are too chickenshit to take that kind of thing into their own hands then they shouldn't take it out on me and accuse me of policing. I'm angry because Tyler's brother is being ignorant and giving them shit for changing their name.

Oh wait. Fuck. Shit. I forgot! I can't believe I forgot! People who are perceived female are not allowed to feel anger! I am putting too much "negative energy" into the cosmos. Perhaps I should go meditate and chant something in Sanskrit. 

I realized something today that I don't think gets talked about too often, and I'm not sure if other guys have this same problem so I'm gonna put it out there. I think that my anger does not get taken as seriously as a cisgender man's anger, even by people in the queer community. Whenever I say something that expresses anger, many of my female-identified friends criticize me for policing, or emitting evil rays of "negative energy," or shut me down one way or another. The men in my life don't treat it the same way - if I express to a male-identified relative or friend that let's say, I feel like fighting someone, or something like that, even though they would discourage me from doing so, they would at least sound like they understand where I'm coming from. I can just tell from the things they say and the ways they say them that unlike my female-identified friends, they don't think I'm ridiculous. I think that this is because the men in my life can identify better with how I feel. (I'm being general about the genders - there are some angry women and obnoxiously pacifist men)

Again, this is a gross generalization, but I think that people who were socialized male have had their angry feelings and behaviors checked, talked about, and most importantly, "accepted" as part of them being boys. Boys even get to fight in a structured way, to get it out of their system. But when a girl exhibits the same angry behavior, it's not understood in the context of her gender but rather as an isolated incident, and is dealt with differently. Girls also don't have the comfort of knowing that that's a pretty common way for people of their gender to behave. They feel ashamed about it, and boys don't. Ideally, a healthy man grows out of it, and has control over his angry feelings and doesn't go around saying "I'm gonna hit that guy" every time someone pisses them off. (ideally being the key word here)

I have pretty serious levels of anger and urges to fight people, but I did not get to deal with those issues the way cisgender men did. And that's why I can sometimes sound like a teenage boy. I'm not saying that I can't be checked; I'm just saying that there's a good reason why I'm like this and that I'm not crazy. And that's my big revelation of the day. Good night.

I told my dad!

Ok so briefly because I need to go practice soon. 

I came out to my dad today. He called this morning and said he was gonna be in Manhattan so we met for lunch. I've been waiting for him to ask me why I'm talking in masculine form (it's impossible to speak gender-neutrally in Hebrew) and he finally finally asked me that, which saved me from bringing it up. Whew. There was also a nice lead-in where he asked about Sarah and I told him she's volunteering, and told him where she volunteers so we were talking about The LGBT People with everybody in the kosher lunch place looking at us because of course of all places to talk we're gonna go somewhere where everybody speaks Hebrew. 

So I told him well, I identify as a man. Everybody in my life refers to me in male pronouns including at work. He asked how that works out and I'm like well, it's the most stressful thing in the world to have to constantly correct people on that but this is the way I feel and that's what I need to do. He asked if I'm taking any more steps and I said I'm getting my license changed to male. (I didn't tell him I already have it because I'm not ready to tell him that I chose a Hebrew middle name without him and I didn't want him to get curious about seeing my license) 

He asks about surgery, I ask him to clarify, he says he doesn't know what he's talking about. I told him a little about how physical transitions work. He asks if I'm on hormones, I lied and said I'm thinking about it. I lied because I want him to first digest and understand what it means that I identify as transgender, and not put all the focus into my physical transition. The kosher restaurant clientele is still looking at us funny.

We talked about the concept of gender-related decisions being "choices". I said that if it were all a choice, we'd all be the same. We don't do things to make life easier. We do what's right for us, and that's not necessarily the easier thing. He seemed to understand, and said yeah, not everything is black and white.

I concluded by saying that I would need for him to eventually refer to me in masculine form, as his son, etc. because it actually bothers me to be referred to femininely, and I acknowledged that I know it's difficult for him. He said yeah, it's difficult because he just sees me as his daughter. I asked if it would be helpful if I sent him online links or something for info and he's like sure, yeah send the links. He joked around about if he could send me links from "the other perspective," which is cool because now I know he knows that that doesn't work and that it's funny that my mom tries to do that. I also told him that my mom is not ready to take in this kind of information and to not talk about it with her and he's like well yeah, of course.

So success. Win.

And THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to the person from the previous blog entry who was asking me the medical questions because if it weren't for that conversation I would not have been so prepared for this conversation with my dad. Everything happens for a reason right?

dealing with the outside world

I just got my driver's license in the mail and it says my new name and M and I look handsome in it. Woo!

My second shot of T, and my first one by myself, was today. Fuckin scary. Luckily I had a friend to call who talked me through it but damn...I felt so nauseous afterwards, and kept thinking about it the rest of the day. I hope I did it right.

I had a gig at Smith College last night. It was kinda anti-climactic. I expected a lot of people but it was actually pretty low key. Whatever, it was a paid gig so it's fine. And the Smithies seem to dig my music.

Ok so I'm not gonna give too much detail but I've had some run-ins with this person that involve medical questions. I have things to say about that if it's someone I don't care for, but I've never thought of what to do with that stuff when it's coming from someone who's really sweet, genuine, well-meaning, and open-minded. I could've done better getting the point across that there is more to being trans than hormones or "a sex change," but I did pretty well considering how off-guard this person caught me.

By the way I feel like talking about medical transition as soon as someone tells you they're trans is kinda like asking a person about their sex life as soon as they tell you they're gay. Also I should really start using the word "transgender" more. "Trans" doesn't mean anything to someone who doesn't know about that stuff.

So anyway you know how I'm all into being picky about who I hang out with and I'm always talking about how people with privileges "don't get it" and that it's tiring to be around them? I'm always saying things like "the next person who calls me she gets a punch in the face," "there's no excuse for ignorance" and stuff like that. I'm usually impatient about ignorance, and my point of view is that people should be responsible for educating themselves so that they make everybody else feel comfortable and equal. Well this person just challenged the shit out of that view. Cuz she's really cool! (ok fine, she. I tried my best to be vague) 

Sarah said that ignorance isn't the worst, it's the combination of ignorance and stubbornness, and people who annoy me are the ones who try to argue their bigoted opinions with me. And this person wasn't doing that, she was willing to listen to my sad attempts at correcting her.

So my conclusion: Maybe I shouldn't be so afraid of people from outside of my radical bubble. Otherwise I'd not only be missing the teaching moments, but missing out on people who I might end up getting along with just fine. I should still take good care of myself and be around like-minded people when I can, because we queers work a bit differently, and it's important to be in a space where I can speak my mind with little censoring. For example, a straight person won't understand that the reason I make so many references to being trans or queer is because that's what determines most of my experience. So I hold back a little. Also being misunderstood and having to constantly explain my identity is exhausting and will burn me out. But I think I can learn to both enjoy the company of, and enlighten, people outside of the queer community.

After all, it's not their fault they're like that ;-)

I started T

Ok so very briefly because I'm tired and don't feel like blogging but I started T today. Woooo. Ok that's it good night.

oh women's spaces

I am still thinking about the comment someone left for me about my question about belonging in women's spaces. This person seems to have made a lot of assumptions about my experience and the way I identify. He basically said that my belonging at women's spaces has nothing to do with passing, but rather the way I identify. Now let's think about this for a minute. Was I not the same person two years ago as I am now? Do I not present more or less the same way? Did I not have the same feelings about my own gender two years ago? Then why is it that because I started openly identifying as a trans man, I don't belong in the same places I used to? 

The trans community sees categorizing people based on whether or not they pass as a taboo. I agree with not being preoccupied with passing, and not treating people differently based on how well they pass. However, I do not think that any taboos are productive. Of course for trans *women* it it makes sense not to categorize because they ALL experience discrimination based on their femininity and way more gender-policing than any of us. But in this case, it is important to realize that a non-passing trans guy can identify as male all he wants, but he will still have trouble getting taken seriously in male-dominated spaces, and basically still experience life as a person who is perceived to be a woman. 

So what good is limiting people's access who need those spaces? If such a man decides not to transition medically then he's screwed. Yeah there are groups that are inclusive of trans men, but you're still limiting a person's access based on the way he feels about his gender, and not on the fact that he experiences oppression as someone who is perceived as a woman. You'd also be ignoring the whole spectrum and complexity of female-bodied masculine identities! So how could anyone say it has nothing to do with passing? (I'm not saying this to point out passing trans men's privilege or anything like that; that is NOT the point of this, it's just that right now I'm specifically talking about trans men who do not pass.)

That being said, I feel very conflicted about these things right now. By saying things like the above, I am "making it about men," and I feel very guilty about doing that. But I'm making it about female-bodied men who are perceived to be women! So what do I do with this??

I don't think I will lose my community. Most of the groups I am part of are inclusive of trans men and I think it's gonna be fine. But the other thing I'm conflicted about, other than the "making it about men" thing, is that girls' education is a huge part of my life that I might have to give up. I do not know how to simultaneously say that girls' only spaces are important to me, and say that I identify as a man. 

I don't ever want to not belong at Rock Camp. I'm not the only trans guy there, but that contradiction is more of the issue to me than how inclusive a place is. It's gonna be the same thing at my job until I quit. Sure, some of the girls might grow up to be trans men, and my presence there means they are being represented, but I still can't make sense of that contradiction. And it's VERY hard to imagine having grown up a girl and then not belonging at Rock Camp.

Sometimes I feel like I am oppressive just by being trans. I had an interview today, and I never mentioned that my current job is at a girls-only program. My resume doesn't specify that either. The people I work with are very proud of being a girls' program, and it felt awful to have to hide that and contribute to their lack of visibility. (fyi I do not do this to Rock Camp) What I'm thinking is that I'd let them know what my deal is before they call my boss, but I would just rather not discuss my gender identity at an interview. 

Also, I was running to cross the street at a red light (in a hurry to see Amy Ray at camp) and a policewoman was doing the better watch where you're going thing and I told her she better watch the way she talks to people like she's their mother. She says "what did you say little man?" and I said "I think you heard me" and walked off as she was screaming things that I couldn't hear. It felt very empowering to tell off a cop who was getting in my business, and I'd do it again. However, I didn't realize until she said "little man" that I was experiencing passing privilege. She must have thought I was some asshole boy disrespecting her because she was a female cop. I stood up for myself but contributed to oppression in the process. What do you do with that?

Am I trans enough for you?

There seems to be an unwritten law that says it's okay for someone who looks like a Joe to say "Please don't call me Joanne," but if a person does not "pass," then it's "I know you're a tomboy, but that's a fine name you have!" And nevermind passing, who says a person even has to identify as trans in order for their feelings of discomfort with their names to be valid? 

Before I started openly identifying as transgender, people used to ask me what my name is short for, and I used to reluctantly tell them. They would be like "oooh that's so pretty" and it used to fuckin piss me off. Now it feels more "acceptable" to say that no, people don't get to know my birth name, but I feel like if I didn't look masculine, people would not think I had a legitimate reason not to share that.

I actually had an incident where a cis man insisted on putting my given name in his cell phone. I told him I had a serious problem with it. He suggested that I watch The Namesake, because apparently sounding cultured and citing movies somehow makes cis men less oppressive. We talked the next day and it came up, and I told him that I had friends who were transitioning, and even though I knew them by a certain name, I had to change that out of respect for them. He asked if I had a problem with my "real" name because I was changing my gender. I said no because at the time I was still identifying as female, but that was SUCH a problematic question. I was having thoughts about transitioning that were no one's business, and what does that have to do with respecting someone's chosen name anyway? 

I had a more recent incident where the rec center wouldn't make me an ID card with my chosen name, I had to have the name on my ID. They asked why, and I said that it was a safety concern, and that I had valid and personal reasons. The woman who was working there said "Well it's a job concern, and I have perfectly valid reasons for saying no". Why do I have to either put myself out there and say that I'm trans, or have my rights denied? I have no doubt that if I had a common female first name and a full beard, there'd be no question about it and the rec center would be considered flat-out discriminatory because it's a lot easier to prove that an ID like that would be a safety concern. I asked for a grievance form, they said to call 311, 311 transferred me to the Commission for Human Rights, and the ignorant cis man at the other end had the FUCKING NERVE to ask me if I had surgeries. 

So that's names, let's talk about pronouns. I work with children. So far, I have gathered up the courage to tell two of my students' parents, who both come from cultures that are not very gender-friendly, that I would like them to start referring to me with male pronouns. One of them awkwardly apologized and left the room; I haven't had a lesson with that kid since then, so the followup is yet to come. The other student's parent is still referring to me as "she". 

My trans male friends say to just be firm and correct them, but they pass better and aren't teachers. Unfortunately, we still live in a society where gender variance is seen as a sexual fetish. I have to first of all not correct the parents in front of the child, and when I do find time to talk to them privately, I am making myself very vulnerable. Of course, if I told them I was starting hormones, as long as they didn't think I was sick and crazy, it would all make sense to them. Because apparently, intention to transition is what makes a person a "real" woman or man, and only a person who conforms to society's idea of what a woman or man should look like has the right to decide what other people can call them.